When Trauma Follows You Into the Bedroom: How Past Pain Shapes Intimacy (And How to Take Your Power Back)

Let’s have a raw, honest conversation — the kind most people avoid because it’s “too heavy,” “too complicated,” or makes them uncomfortable.

The reality is, trauma doesn’t just live in your memories. It lives in your nervous system. It shapes your relationships. And yes — it follows you into the bedroom.

And I’m not just talking about sexual trauma. I’m talking about all trauma. The abandonment. The neglect. The inconsistent parents. The foster care scars. The generational cycles of addiction, abuse, mental health struggles, and unhealed pain.

That’s the trauma that lingers. The trauma that rewires how we see ourselves — and how we let others see us. The trauma that creeps into how we love, how we trust, and how we experience intimacy.

I know, because I’ve lived it. And I know how much it can quietly sabotage the love, connection, and intimacy we crave… even when we’re safe now.

But here’s the thing: trauma doesn’t have to own your future.

Understanding how it shows up — especially in your intimate life — is the first step to rewriting the story.

 

The Science: How Trauma Shapes Our Brains, Bodies, and Relationships

Trauma is any experience that overwhelms your ability to cope. It’s not just “big” events like abuse or assault — though those absolutely count.

It can also be:

✔ Emotional neglect

✔ Abandonment or rejection

✔ Growing up with inconsistent caregivers

✔ Loss of a parent or loved one

✔ Living in foster care or unstable environments

✔ Chronic invalidation of your feelings

✔ Being told you’re not enough — directly or indirectly — over and over again

Here’s what most people don’t realize:

Trauma actually rewires your nervous system. Your brain and body adapt to survive — even if those adaptations aren’t serving you anymore.

Common Trauma Responses That Impact Intimacy:

Fight: You become defensive, quick to argue, or guarded — even when your partner means no harm.

Flight: You avoid closeness, pull away emotionally or physically, or create distance when things get vulnerable.

Freeze: You shut down during intimacy, dissociate, or feel emotionally numb — even if you want to feel present.

Fawn: You over-please, minimize your own needs, or tolerate discomfort just to keep the peace or avoid rejection.

These responses are your body’s attempt to protect you. The problem is, they also create walls — walls that keep love, trust, and connection locked out.

 

The Research: Trauma’s Impact on the Nervous System and Intimacy

Trauma doesn’t just leave emotional scars — it physically reshapes the way your brain and body function.

Years of neuroscience and psychology research show how trauma changes the very wiring that controls how we experience safety, love, and connection.

What the Science Says:

✔ The Amygdala: Your Brain’s Alarm System

The amygdala controls your fear response. In people with unresolved trauma, this part of the brain becomes hyperactive. That means your brain constantly scans for danger — even when you’re with someone safe, even in moments that should be relaxing or pleasurable.

✔ The Hippocampus: Your Emotional Regulator

The hippocampus helps with emotional regulation and memory processing. Trauma can actually shrink this part of the brain, making it harder to regulate emotions or stay present during stressful — or even emotionally charged — situations like intimacy.

✔ The Prefrontal Cortex: Your Rational Thinking Center

The prefrontal cortex helps you make decisions, weigh risks, and regulate behavior. But in trauma survivors, this part of the brain often gets overridden by the amygdala. Even when you know your partner is safe, your body still responds with fear, shutdown, or hyper-vigilance.

Polyvagal Theory and the Vagus Nerve:

The vagus nerve plays a huge role in how we feel safe (or unsafe) in our bodies and with other people.

When your nervous system is in a ventral vagal state, you feel calm, open, connected — the ideal state for love, intimacy, and vulnerability.

But trauma often leaves you stuck in:

• Sympathetic state (Fight or Flight): You feel anxious, defensive, guarded — intimacy feels threatening.
• Dorsal vagal state (Shutdown/Freeze): You dissociate, feel numb, disconnected — even if you want to feel close, your body shuts down.

If this sounds familiar? You are not broken. You are human. Your nervous system is doing what it was wired to do — keep you safe, even when the threat is gone.

 

My Story: How Trauma Rewired Me (And My Relationships)

I didn’t grow up with healthy love modeled for me. I grew up in the foster care system. I come from a long history of abuse, neglect, addiction, abandonment, and generational trauma.

My parents were kids themselves when I was born. My dad was 14. My mom had barely turned 15. Which means my dad was only 13 when my mom got pregnant with me.

The odds? Stacked against all of us from the start.

But their struggles didn’t come from nowhere. Their trauma shaped them — just like mine has shaped me.

My dad grew up with both parents, but his relationship with them was strained. My grandpa, whom I love dearly (may he rest in peace), wasn’t the most present father. My grandma struggled deeply with mental health issues that made it hard for her to be the mother my dad needed.

That left him with his own scars — scars that made it hard for him to show up for me the way I’ve always needed. In and out. Inconsistent. Absent in all the ways that mattered.

But my mom’s story? That wound runs just as deep.

She grew up in abuse. She was raped while pregnant with me — in the foster home where she was living as a child.

And while I love my Grandma Gina (may she rest in peace) with everything in me, the truth is, she wasn’t a good mother either. She abandoned my mom. She made choices that left my mom vulnerable to pain and harm.

The generational trauma just… continued.

My mom tried. I see that now. She’s not a bad person. Neither is my dad. They’re good people carrying unhealed pain — pain that shaped how they showed up for me, pain that I now carry into my own relationships.

Thankfully, at 11 years old, life gave me a gift — the woman who took me in, raised me, and still to this day is my mom in every way that counts.

She taught me unconditional love.

She taught me I matter.

She taught me I am not disposable.

But the trauma? It lingers. It shows up in how I trust, how I love, how I build intimacy, how I show up (or don’t) for people.

How Trauma Sabotages Intimacy (Without You Even Realizing It)

Trauma sneaks into our relationships and intimacy in subtle — but powerful — ways:

✔ Difficulty being fully present during sex

✔ Emotional shutdown or numbness during vulnerability

✔ Avoiding physical touch or closeness

✔ Struggling to trust, even with safe partners

✔ Feeling unworthy of pleasure or love

✔ Fear of abandonment or rejection, even without cause

It’s not about logic — it’s about your nervous system doing what it was wired to do: protect you.

But protection isn’t the same as connection. And real, safe, connected intimacy? It takes healing.

Steps Toward Healing: Reclaiming Your Worth, Your Body, and Your Intimacy.

Healing from trauma isn’t a checklist — it’s a messy, non-linear, but empowering journey.

Here’s what I’ve learned along the way:

 

1. Name It — And Stop Gaslighting Yourself. Your trauma is valid. Your experiences are real. Naming them gives you the power to heal.

2. Talk About It — Even When It’s Uncomfortable. For years, I believed I wasn’t allowed to express how I felt. Now, I advocate for myself — even when my voice shakes. It’s freeing, it’s empowering, and it’s part of healing.

3. Get the Right Help — Therapy That Works for You. I’ve done counseling. I’ve done medication. Now, I’m preparing for trauma-specific therapy — like EMDR — to help reprocess the past and finally release what my body’s been holding onto for far too long.

4. Set Boundaries — And Honor Them Without Guilt. This is my current season. If something doesn’t feel right? I don’t do it. Every boundary I set reminds me: My peace is not negotiable.

5. Practice Patience — Healing Isn’t a Straight Line. Some days I feel empowered. Some days I crumble. Both are normal. Both are progress.

Bringing It All Together: You Are Not Broken — You Are Becoming

Trauma doesn’t make you unlovable.

It doesn’t make you broken.

And it sure as hell doesn’t make you undeserving of intimacy, connection, or joy.

It makes you human.

It makes your story complicated.

But it also makes you strong.

I’m still in it — still navigating generational scars, abandonment wounds, trust issues, and a nervous system that sometimes screams “danger” when all I want is to feel safe.

But every boundary I set, every honest conversation I have, every time I choose healing?

That’s me taking my power back. And you can too. Your trauma doesn’t define your ability to love or be loved.

Your past doesn’t get the final say on your pleasure, your connection, or your healing. You do.

Wherever you are in this work — just beginning, deep in the mess, or learning to breathe again — you belong here.

Messy. Healing. Imperfect. Brave.

Your story isn’t over. And neither is your ability to love — fiercely, fully, and on your own terms.

XO — Ashley Jo 💋